Random stuff

• I need to post something to fill space, because anytime I come to this blog I see the post I made a while back about Cotton dying and have to leave.  So, I'm filling space here, and probably for another couple posts after that.  I need to get the news about Cotton "below the fold".

• Things are starting to be OK again, but I still find myself crying all the time.  I've pretty much given up on wearing mascara because it doesn't matter how much I hope to go a whole day without crying; things keep cropping up.... having to pick up his ashes... having to tell the groomer that he was gone... getting sympathy cards in the mail... returning the canned food he never got around to eating... putting away his leash, crate, pillow, etc.  Another day, another crying jag.

• I've always assumed that I'd get another standard poodle when it came time to add to the brood.  Now, I'm quite certain that I need a lap dog.  I'm not ready yet, but I know with complete certainty that when the time comes, my next dog will be small.  (And I suspect it'll be within a year or so.)

• On a more positive note, life is carrying on.  Work is busier than ever, which is mostly good.  I'm still adjusting to and learning the ropes with the new job but I don't think I'm making too much of a mess of it.  

• This week, I am interviewing contractors to have half of my basement finished.  I'm scared because of the track record in this house, but also very excited.  It'll be a basic "great" room, but for now I'm only going to furnish one corner that'll be my office.  Until then, it'll be a big empty room with lots of bookshelves -  and hopefully a hidden door.

• Things with the boy (previously known as guy #2) are still going strong.  He's good for me.

In the Stacks

I entered my first online auction yesterday, and I won this painting.

It was painted by the lady who did the portrait of Tallulah last year.  She and I had been discussing a portrait for Cotton before he died, but that is on hold until I can go through his pictures again.    In the meantime, she sent out notice to her followers on Facebook of a few paintings that had been sitting in storage for a while and actioned them off.  This one called my name.  It's called "In the Stacks"

Anonymous

I've been getting hammered here with spam lately.  I haven't felt much like blogging, but I've had to come in every day and delete spam left by "Anonymous".  I was tempted to turn off comments altogether... I'm wondering if I've reached the end of my blogging phase, but will start by blocking anonymous commenters.

Goodbye, my friend

Tonight took me by surprise.  Daily reports from my parents told me that Cotton did very well while I was gone.  The combination of steroids, heart medication and cough inhibitors seemed to be doing the trick because he barely coughed at all.  Despite the vet's warning, I started to get my hopes up.

Because of bad weather, delayed planes and a full day of work, the dogs didn't come home from my parents' place until 4:00 tonight.  I could tell right away that Cotton had lost weight and wasn't his usual self, but my parents reassured me again that he seemed to be feeling quite well.  Then, at about 7:00, the coughing started.  This was a different cough, that made it clear how weak he had become, and that wracked his whole body.  It went on and on, and the medication didn't help.  Finally, I brought him to the emergency vet and let him go.  He died in my arms.  

40

Today is my 40th birthday, and a friend and I have flown to Vegas for the weekend.  The timing couldn't be much worse for this, but the trip has been in the works for a few months.  Cotton has had mostly good days since Sunday night's scare, and so I took a chance and left him at home with my parents for a few days.  He's in good hands.

So, we're in Vegas.  We're winging it, mostly.  We plan to see a few shows, do some shopping and check out things that can only be seen in Vegas.  There's no internet at our hotel, so I'll report in when we get back and let you know how it goes.

Palliative Care

Although Cotton's heart is not failing, it is now so enlarged that it's blocking his airways.  We've got him on a new medication that should help decrease the size temporarily, but the vet made it clear that he is now on palliative care.

I have chosen quality over quantity for his remaining time, and also decided (with the vets support) to up him to the max - probably a little above - of the medications that do seem to be helping.  Again, she reminded me that this is temporary and his illness will progress. When the time comes that the medications don't help anymore, or if the medications damage his liver or his kidneys, it will be time to let him go.  

Last night, he had a really bad night.  He woke up multiple times, choking.  He also refused to eat last night before bedtime, and so I thought maybe the time had come.  At 6:00am, when a coughing fit reminded me that it was almost time for his medication, I got up and emailed work that I would not be in.  I gave Cotton his medication and then I went back to bed and wept.  I so badly don't want to let him go yet, but I don't want him to suffer.

After a few minutes the coughing subsided, and I decided that I would let him tell me if it was time. If Cotton refused to eat this morning, I would make his last appointment at the vet.  If he ate, then maybe we could have a few more days.  I stayed in bed until after 9:00, putting it off as long as I could until finally I got up to take a shower.  There, I let the water run for 10 minutes as I sobbed.   Finally,  I turned off the water, picked him up and carried him to the kitchen; refusing to put him down as I filled a bowl with his new favourite, canned rabbit.    And, thank God, he ate it all.

That, and the fact that he's not coughing now, tells me that it isn't time yet.   It's getting close, but I think his good days still outnumber the bad.

I'm not sure how much longer I'll have with him with me.  I don't know if I'll get a few more days or possibly a couple more weeks.  All that I do know is that this is the most difficult decision that I've ever made.

The Bed Game

Cat owners know what the bed game is.  It's the mad scramble across the bed with claws drawn and teeth bared that happens whenever the sheets are changed on beds.

When Winter was young, I pretty much had to lock him out of the room when I changed sheets, because he destroyed too many sheets playing the bed game.  He hasn't played nearly as much as he has aged, though.  He's got arthritis, he moves slower, and he isn't quite as playful as he used to be.

He's on a renewed regiment of glucosamine lately, and I think it's working.  He just ripped another set of sheets playing the bed game.  And, irresponsible me, I'm not mad.  I may have even encouraged him a little bit.