The best place to hunt is in the bedroom at night. The victim presents himself as a lump under the covers. He's grumpy, and he makes rumbley noises if he knows you are coming. You have to walk very, very softly.
First, you jump on the bed. Stop. Wait a few minutes. Pretend to clean your feet. Then you take one, maybe two steps. Stop. Stand very very still and wait some more.
Take a few more steps towards the victim, and stop. You have to be very still. The closer you get to the victim, the slower you have to move, and the more rumbley he gets. To do this properly, it should take you at least thirty minutes to cross the bed.
Be careful not to wake up the human in the room. It's OK sometimes, if you do. Sometimes she sits up and watches; but then she might give you away by laughing. Or, she might be cranky when she wakes up, and she might tell you to go away.
By now you should be fairly close to the lump. Step very, very carefully until you're beside de lump. Stand still – do not move – for at least ten minutes. Just when the victim thinks you're gone,
BOP HIM ON THE HEAD!
You've got to run very, very fast after that, because the victim will tear out from under the covers and he'll be mad. He will attack if you let him. Instead, let him bark and think he's chasing you off the bed. Go to another room, and he'll go back under the covers and become a lump again soon.
On a good night, you can hunt two or three times before the human locks you out of the room.
The above entry has been a reposting of a previously published article by our guest columnist, Winter the cat...
who will hopefully let me get some sleep tonight.
21 hours ago