The TP Saga

You know that quote about having the wisdom to know the difference between what you can and cannot change? Today, I finally accepted the truth.

The truth is that I have a bad dog.




OK, those are old pictures, back from the days of bad hair cuts - because we've all got them - and even worse behaviour. For the record, I'm not responsible for the orange bows. She's much better behaved and prettier than she used to be; but she ain't perfect yet.

Tallulah Belle Poodle loves nothing more than to shred toilet paper.

It's true. It's been six and a half years since I've been able to safely keep the TP on the roll, or even on the back of toilet. Toilet paper at my house has to be kept out of sight and out of reach. TP roller holder thingies at my house do nothing but collect dust. And confuse guests.

I can't tell you how many times I've had guests at my house who think they're being helpful by putting the TP back on the roller. Of course - not being present at the time - I never know about their "help" until they're long gone and I come across a mess of soggy toilet papier-mâché. Because, Tallulah doesn't eat TP; she just chews it up so that it's good and wet, and then flings it all over the house.

So, today I decided to remove the temptation... from the guests, not the poodle.

Because I'm gonna need the TP.

The truth is that it took me three days to get this job done because the guy who built my house used every screw known to man, in order to attach those holders to the vanities. Seriously. You'd think he'd use four of the same screws, or possibly two kinds of screws; but he used four - count them: 1 2 3 4 - different IRREGULAR screws to attach the toilet paper roller holder thingie to the vanity.

I went through my own tools and my computer tools from back in the day when being A+ certified was cool... not that I was ever A+ certified. I just bought the tools and the book to look the part. I went to the Mecca (AKA, Home Depot) and bought a set, and when I still couldn't get the right size I had to mooch from my dad,who actually has MORE tools than Home Depot.

Finally, after much driving around, collection of tools and then a few twists with the right screw drivers, I shed my home of all toilet paper roller holder thingies for good.

In case your curious, here's some photographic proof of all the tools that were required (or otherwise misused) for this task.

(The above photo has been heavily cropped so that you can't see how much hair is actually in my sink.)

See also, the basket that now houses my TP. There's a matching one in the other bathroom too, so that guests are unlikely to be confused.

You may be remembering that I said TP has to be out of sight and out of reach; and thinking to yourself that it's neither out of sight nor out of reach. Except that the poodle is only three feet tall. She can't see it now, and she won't reach for it until she figures it out. Which she will, eventually. She's Mensa, so it's only a matter of time.

When that happens, I'll be installing fire and water proof safes in the walls above the toilets.

And I'm only going to use one type of screw.