Revolting

I am revolting. And by revolting, I'm referring to the verb, not the adjective. The adjective may apply as well, but we'll have to talk about that another time.

I am staging a revolt.

I went to see the internist last week. Right away, he asked me the last time I'd taken a true break for two weeks or more. I couldn't remember.

We talked about this for a while, and he said that my problem could very well be burnout. He reminded me that I had surgery in December, and that I'd taken less than a week off. I pointed out that I'd gone to San Diego for Christmas, but he said that 5 days doesn't count. The appointment lasted over an hour, and he told me repeatedly that I need to take time off.

Honestly, I wasn't buying it. I think there's something wrong with my body chemistry; and while I may not know what is causing it, I'm confident that it's not a lack of sleep, sunlight or downtime. We went back and forth a few times, but I left the appointment thinking that he felt a few weeks off to recharge would help me to get better.

The whole appointment seemed very non-productive to me. I was going to blow it off, but my dad and a few friends seemed to agree with him. Maybe I did push too hard after the surgery, because I actually feel worse now than I did before. Another friend pointed out that if I took the rest, I could rule out burnout so that they could concentrate on the real problem.

I thought about it for a few days - still not convinced - and then I called to see if he'd write a note so that I could take the time off if I chose to do so. (I don't have the vacation time, and more than 5 days of sick time has to be verified by a doctor.)

He wouldn't write the note.

Fine. That reconfirms to me that he doesn't really believe I'm sick. His telling me to take a break is Doctor speak for brushing me off. Because, really, if he did think that I had a problem; wouldn't he support me in getting better? If he thought medicine would help me, I seriously doubt that he'd refuse to write the prescription. So why wouldn't he write me a note to take some time off?

I'm actually not disappointed that I won't be getting the time off. What upsets me is that I don't think either my GP or the internist understand how truly crappy I feel. I feel like they've given up because they can't immediately find the source of the problem. They talk about the symptoms that stand out to them, they offer band aids for those issues, but they can't or won't figure out the underlying cause.

So, I'm revolting.

I'm refusing to take anymore iron. It's been less than a week, but already my feet are twice the size they usually are. I'm retaining so much water, I've got pockets of it on my calves and ankles. A week from now, when I'm really good and swollen, I'm going to go back to my GP and defy him to tell me there's nothing wrong. He'll find that my iron level - which was almost back to normal two weeks ago - has tanked without the supplementation of the nasty pills. There's got to be a reason for that.

I'll start taking the iron again after I prove my point. A healthy body doesn't lose that much iron in such a little time; and taking copious amounts of iron does not a healthy body make. Iron covers up some of the symptoms. It may cause a whole slew of new ones, but apparently, it covers up the problems so well that doctors can pretend that they don't exist. So, I'm going to uncover them, and really show him what I'm dealing with.

And believe you, me... what I'm dealing with is revolting.